I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
I just typed in random letters on his address bar... 5 out of the 6....a porn site was in the drop down list hahahahaha get a life bro.
fun fact #6 about tuesday nights: giving head with two 40s taped to your hands is not as easy as you would think
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
I fell on my face, puked, and had to be rocked to sleep in a hammock. I'd say Europe is a success
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
just saw the most amazing side boob. i wanted to hold it.
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
AMAZON SELLS SEX SWINGS!
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