I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
Midnight walks are trippy
I tried to do that earlier, but I was alone and scared, so I stole a happy Birthday balloon.
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
Our nipples touched last night. It was tender.
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
I’ve got a lot of questions but the first one has to be where you got the flame thrower.
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
Randomize
