i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
I just wanna be naked and go frolic in the snow
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
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