alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
Ok so serious question: if one wanted to say the plural of mongoose, would it be mongooses or mongeese?
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I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
the night probably should have been over when the guy let her fill out my mechanical bull waver for me because i couldn't read
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She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
Give me one good reason why I should go with you.
Free beer.
..pick me up at 8.
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
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