I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
Dude you can sell sperm for 100 to 250 bucks a time. And the best part is there will be kids all over the world that will have me as a daddy. It's like I'm jerking off my way into ruling the world
I just watched a woman in a full wedding dress and veil walk out of the chinese buffet...I no longer believe I have a problem, and am afraid I am underdressed.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
I'm missing some hair, but it's cool. Breadsticks are done.
The goal for tonight is vagina. In and around. Doesn't matter who. How. Or why.
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
Last night I woke up and the national rep of his frat was sucking my toe.
Either sorry for fondling you Saturday or thank you for letting me fondle you Saturday.
if anyone knows where my shirt is please let me know and if you know why I don't have my own shirt please also let me know. also do any of you know why I'm missing a bra wire?
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
If he flies out here I will sleep with him. I have morals, but not when it comes to southern accents
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