My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
Just got walked in on while fucking in the lounge in the performing arts building. The janitors gave us five minutes to leave and applauded our exit
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
No, Ethan, handcuffs and friendship bracelets are not "basically" the same thing.
so my parents definitely heard me when I was cumming last night...
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
Randomize
