I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
oh and i really hope miley falls off this mountain she is climbing
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
A 300 lb dude in a sundress yelling bible verses while wearing a raggedy anne wig is just as funny as I thought it would be. Thank you san francisco.
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
Think they will judge us if our pre drink is a kiddie pool of jello shots?
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
If they were bad they leave that night, if they were good they get a gold star, and if they were great they get invited back. Simple.
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
So I was laying on the couch reading a book and he texted me. All I saw was the image of him spitting on my vagina last night in the moonlight. I gagged.
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
Randomize
