The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
You know how I told you I don't have many naked pics? Apparently that changed last night.
and then you went into taco bell without pants...and surprisingly you weren't the only one there without pants
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
At the end of the night i was really thirsty and tied to a bedpost
we talked about the guy being eaten by the anaconda.. Then I proceeded to blow him
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
It's almost like sex was the ice breaker and now we're sociable at the gym
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
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