dude, showing up drunk to physics was the best idea ever. I just tripled my participation for the semester. I love st pattys day
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
I think if I could use my boobs as a second pair of hands everything would be ok
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
Let's just say when I woke up I was still drunk. My hangover hit me around noon so I chilled w my dad and took a bath and shower at the same time. You just can't do that at college
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
They have a shelf full of jello shots, what have i gotten myself into
Randomize
