does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
If I go to jail what happens to my debt?
You dont have to pay it.
I'm going to jail.
I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
I have no idea what i drank..i remember dancing and ass grabbing..u falling. Headbutts. Trying not to puke. And deja vu.
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
he told me while inside me and mid thrust that he's dreamed of that moment since high school... awkward
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
WELL I DIDNT KNOW IT WAS POSSIBLE TO COME SO HARD YOU HAVE AN ASTHMA ATTACK BUT HERE I AM
Please tell your friend to stop shitting in my closet.
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
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