he just asked if i would like him to change his diet so his jizz tastes better. keeper? i think so.
shit I'm tired of wearing other peoples clothes to bed
watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
There was just way too much discussion about my penis at that party
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
Her vagina felt like a fur coat. It was weird at first but I kinda liked it
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
Is it awkward to pay for your boob job with scholarship money? Either way, it's happening.
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
Randomize
