He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
He's only a little bit crosseyed.
I think this is one situation where "a little bit" doesn't mean much.
He needs to respect me before he can fuck me with cat ears on.
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
Stoner thoughts are the only thoughts I want to have now.
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
Randomize
