If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
Dude..her orgasm sent her into a seizure...theres no joke here. It happened.
I dont want to tell you. Lets just say that a lot of things are reminding me of your dick right now
i cant cry in cvs. not again.
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
we need to find an occasion to wear tutus
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
On a toatally unrelated note, I see music in my hair
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
Randomize
