so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
Dude they have your information. Come back. The sheriffs office is here, they are pissed..please come back otherwise jail is inevitable. Call me
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
Whatever. I have his dick. Haha how many girls can say they have a dildo replica of a guy they were seeing
its 2pm and were already starting beer pong...its gonna be a good night
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
Randomize
