I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
It's refreshing to see you in something that is stained with something other than vomit and spilled alcohol.
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
i've now hooked up with two guys who have tattoos of their sister's names...so that's a reality i have to live with...
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
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