Plus she can make a mean sandwich! That's all I really need. Well that and foot jobs...
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
We've got 2 weeks of college left-I want to feel like Gary Busey by graduation.
where are you?
Hypothermia
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you know u lost to a carboard cut out of sammy sosa in beer pong last night.
Hospital. He tried giving some kid a stone cold stunner during a real fight.
She needs sedatives and a leash
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
I'm sorry but if you can talk well enough to critique his oral game, he clearly needs the pointers.
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
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