Why do I feel like I used to feel when I almost got caught looking at porn when I get caught looking at facebook at work
he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
It was just a friend comforting a friend. Except his penis was inside of me.
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
I can already feel the hangover I'll be having on New Year's Day. I don't know if I'm prepared for this.
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
I'm alone, 3 beers in, and cutting tshirts into belly tops.
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
Randomize
