Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
I fuked that chick last night and she kept saying, "oh...oh....oh", like Bill Lumberg
so what did you do?
I did the mash I did the monster mash It was a graveyard smash!
you told him you liked to chip your nail polish to look like different countries. im gonna guess that no, you didn't sleep with him.
She sang Bad Romance to me. Not really the answer I was looking for.
duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
Dont tell her I prefer to have an aura of mystique surronding me and my penis.
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
you know maybe it wouldnt be so bad if it hadnt happened before. At least I didnt blow him this time
Randomize
