just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
I just wanted to draw pictures of limp wieners on peoples doors and smash pictures of palm trees. That's it.
google image searching george stephanopoulos at 1 AM on a saturday night...once again
We argued about the championship during sex. Absolutely the manliest moment of my life.
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
I feel like she is getting all kinds of bacterial exposure that may otherwise have been avoided had she been wearing pants
It's the 3rd day of the year and I've already sucked two dicks. New year same ole me.
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
Guuuuurrrrrl! He ate the 🌮like it contained the Covid-19 vaccine!
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