last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
ask if his dick looks like a sausage. alex's bro told me that's a sure sign. btw took pain pills. maybe shouldn't listen to me.
I took off my clothes and she wanted to have sex. But then she changed her mind. So we ended up fucking through her panties or something. I don't know it was weird.
Andrew is trying to convince me that i took your virginity. Please tell me he is lying.
define virginity.
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
It hit me after I slept with his best friends and brother, that maybe I took it a bit far
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
I might be drinking a 4-day old opened beer on a Wednesday. You're in no position to judge me.
It would have only made it one day at my place.
I don't want a big night. But I am okay if we wake up in a penthouse at Crown Casino.
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