Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
Dude its so hot it my room I can't jack off. Its gonna be a long summer.
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
there were like 150 questions AFTER the application. you'd think for a store that has dick molding kits it'd be a joke
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
There is ecstasy everywhere. Get over here right no5w. The 5 is silent.
There is nacho cheese and blood everywhere.
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
Speaking of church, everyone showed up to lunch in the dining hall in their Sunday best and I walk in looking homeless bc I just got out of bed. I hate this school.
Randomize
