tonight, alcohol would be proud of us
just got my tax refund and at bell. how do you say i want a grand worth of 5 layer burritos in spanish?
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
the ladder is at the bottom of the pool
we've called him dos banos ever since he threw up in 2 separate bathrooms with the same puke
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
Would it be out of line to take a picture of all the earrings, rings, hairclips, and other miscellaneous girl items that I found under my bed and post it on facebook and tag all the girls that I slept with this year so they can claim their shit and get it out of my house?
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
It was so cute that he apologized for getting cum on my couch. If he realized how many guys had cum on that couch in the past year, he wouldn't have touched my vagina with a 10-ft pole.
Had a dream I beat up niall then madeout with him while snorting coke out of a dragons egg
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
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