Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
My balls are about to become a huge part of your mouth's life
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
Her mom is home on her lunch break. Guess who's hiding In the Closet?
sooo... you have no idea who nailed their tubesocks to my wall?
Cops came. Forced us to take the "Honk and We'll Drink" and the "Free Shots to Father's of Freshman Daughters" signs down. Before we did, someone honked and the cop said, "Aren't you gonna drink?" They then told us to move the party inside by ten.
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
I think i was just meant to be a stripper. A ballerina stripper cat
I have the overwhelming need to take care of him. Both with my vagina and like emotionally.
your were asleep with people making out on top of you. you didn't even look bothered by it.
let me wake up, find my pants, and find out where i am tommorow and ill get back to you on that
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