he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
Just set a new record on Need For Speed at the arcade. Had to enter Tiger Woods as the name.
Everybody was literally kung fu fighting
I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
they're making a venn diagram comparing gummi bears against gummi worms...is this what i have to sit thru to get free weed????
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
The Angel on my shoulder is now resorting to merely reminding me that, "You will regret this later." I'm not sure if he's learning how I think or just giving up. Either way, should make life a bit more interesting.
Regardless of age or alcohol consumption, the knowledge that my dad spanks my mom sexually has the very real potential to fuck my shit up.
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
I'm excited for him and his new girlfriend. I'm just going to miss his penis is what I'm saying.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
Randomize
