i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
so. which one of us is going to pay for the neighbors new window? it cracked when i threw the bottle at it but smashed when you threw yours.
We took up a collection and paid her $50 to eat a piece of meat. Vegetarian morals trumped once again by cash.
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
I want to know him. He looks like he makes really good breakfast burritos.
If you were curious as to how many pounds of bagged marijuana can fit in the trunk of a 2010 Chevrolet Aveo, we now have the answer
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
To confirm, you are a grown ass man and you just asked me what her vag looked like.
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
LMAO I like how "don't worry I'll bring chasers" is your way of assuring things will be ok
Not sure when or why this happened but I just stopped giving a shit about everything
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
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