I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
I thought all girls wanted is to get a boner
you want to re-phrase that?
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
what do i owe you?
$237.46 to be exact.
if im having that much fun on the weekend i better start remembering it.
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
It's just unfortunate. She's a 28 year old woman who looks as if a pelican and ET had a baby. With braces.
Talk about an dramatic entrance, girl rolled up on a stolen bike and was wearing heels and a dress, through it on the ground and said "you guys want a bike?" Of course i jumped on that shit, any sane person would!
He handcuffed himself to the keg... D is hooking up with him anyway.
I will never look at a penis the same again. After that I will appreciate them so much more than I do. Makes me wanna kiss yours just for being pretty
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
Randomize
