I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
new revelation: five guys for breakfast
new revelation: previous revelation not a good revelation
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
Well it went from being a hug to a straight out tackle through the back door.
all 3 of us brought blondes home last night. all 3 are passed out. we're gonna switch rooms and see how long until one of them notices.
i think the penis that was inside of me changed my life
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
I LIKE NICE BOXERS OKAY!? COMBINED WITH A GLORIOUS DICK JUST MAKES THIS EVEN BETTER. WE MOVE IN TOGETHER AND THAT PIC'S GETTIN FUCKING FRAMED.
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
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