Hey sorry about saying i hated you. it was the coke and the ice cream.
apparently went to arby's at 2:30am banging on the windows for someone to make me a "beefy"
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
he was so high that he wouldn't speak to anybody for like 30 minutes, he'd only gobble, like a turkey.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
looking back, maybe 11 flaming dr peppers was a little extreme
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
I'm having a flashback of telling a guy that he was beautiful and graceful like a unicorn while playing shuffleboard.
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
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