i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
opening your purse in class to grab a pen only to find dollar bills and pink fuzzy handcuffs instead...that's a cool feeling
One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
Depending upon how the Sox game progresses, I'll either cry on the bar or fuck someone tonight...
be proud. or at least amused. an 18 yr old and a 25 yr old at least makes my average hookup age this week the same as my age.
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
I am trying to take a picture of a man in a wheelchair trying to ship a michael jackson portrait
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
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