well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
I just got a bj @ my old preschool...my childhood memories r all ruined
the recent google searches were "were can i buy a porn horse, why does my heart hurt after drinking, and orlando's teen night..." your thought process perplexes me
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
An image of us stuck like that like Pompeii comes to mind. A wonder for future anthropologists
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
It's Scottsdale, it shouldn't be this hard to find drugs.
I have a 30 minute video visit blind date tonight with a guy in prison. And it's costing me $9. ROCK... BOTTOM...
Yeah you were fine except for when you peed under the bar
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
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