Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
jersey shore drinking game rules must be edited. almost died. how is it possible for a person to say guido that many times
I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
dudes here are drinking wine, and not in the forgivable 'just doing this to get laid' way
just tried googling 24 hr taco bell and when i typed "24 hour" it autocompleted with fitness. buzzzz killllll
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
It's all fun and games until you throw up hot cheetos in your drawer.
work has become about six times more interesting since i started fucking my boss.
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
thats all i want out of life, to get high and watch weiner dog races
I'm sorry i showed you my boobs.. I probably shouldn't have done that.
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize
