Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
No, veal is cruel because they chain them down, I'm talking about free range human babys here.
How do you feel about the band name "O'labia Newton John"??
I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
I just saw a kid walk into class with his dad. Fuck his life.
i would one night stand the shit outta him
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
I want a nosebag of coke after my exam. Like what horses have. Coked up horses. No excuses. I love you.
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
Randomize
