porn star on stage now. Get unkicked out.
Did we have sex last night?
I think that was the general idea until I got you undressed and you puked on me.
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
The airport has the best people watching and munches... It should be a destination drinking location
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
That's crazy. Wow that lady must be fucked up
Yeah I hope she's okay.
I'm still going to fuck her husband but I do hope she's okay.
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
Randomize
