even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
i robbed the continental breakfast last night
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
It felt like Party Santa dropped by and gave us two more 18-packs.
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
I got so many dick pics last night. It was like a slideshow from heaven.
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
so apparently over the course of the night my roommate and i had sex in exactly the same spot. ps the downstairs sink needs cleaning.
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
Is it still sex if there's no nudity, no orgasms, but the neighbors bang on the wall and ask you to stop? I've honestly forgotten.
Randomize
