forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
My ATM looks so different sober.
And then somehow we were arguing over how to fold our arms
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
does the girl puking in my garbage belong to you?
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
I want him to rummage through my vagina. with unwashed hands.
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
BECAUSE SCIENCE
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
If he survived pride he can survive a gay bar
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
Word. I want it involving like... sing-a-longs and sniffing glue.
Randomize
