I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
since i'm not going, you must continue my tradition of flashing every person there.
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
Dropping acid was like seeing the whole world as a blank canvas to imagine anything I wanted.
And apparently all you wanted was to watch the sun explode and me take 60,000 dicks to the face.
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
Its a cash in stratch tickets to afford cigarettes and coffee kind of friday
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
That was when I yelled "Wisconsin powers activate!" and took off sprinting across the ice
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
Randomize
