i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
you would pick up someone in the library
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
There was blow residue on my chem book and my TA was like, did u stain your notebook with CaCO3?
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
As she came, she moaned Roll Tide. I kid you not.
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
Randomize
