Your tits are I can't wait for
apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
we made margaritas with slurpies from 7-11 and beer.
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
If only guys knew how much awkward ass shaving goes into making sex this good...
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
He started humming whilst eating me out. At first it was weird, but my new motto is now don't knock it before you've cum from it
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
