i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
Soo time for a life change, my 6 yr old sister made my gf a puke bucket for her birthday
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
Where the hell is he. I called him crying for weed and sex you would think that would signal some urgency.
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
My penis needs a shock collar
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
i saw way too much penis for that to have been a funeral
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
Randomize
