I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
she just stood in the kitchen yelling "REAL WOMEN HAVE CURVES"
You taught me that having a dip while u shit is awesome. I appreciate u for that
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
you told grandpa to call you daddy
When that rick ross song came on he started ripping up dollar bills and pouring out drinks on the floor. I'm all for ignorance but it was a little excessive for a wedding
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
I'll have you know my trust issues and my daddy issues are two COMPLETELY different topics of conversation.
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
Was the picture of her twerking on a fake plant sufficient?
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