Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
Dudes got a Polo tattoo. I don't care if he has a yacht I can't handle that level of gay.
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
I hope it's socially acceptable to wear a mesh one piece into last call tonight?
He pushed a skinny white blonde out of the way just to tell me "you have the finest ass, like ever."
I have never loved a nerdy white boy this much.
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
she was just meowing in the corner eating frozen chicken nuggets
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
Randomize
