ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
he rolled over and started playing skeeball on his iphone after we had the best sex yet considering he only lasted 10 seconds last time.. im getting standards.. tomorrow. for now im just going to enjoy the fact i counted over 20 this time.
fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
I assume you are not resopnding because you are having sex thus i give you a text message high five
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
Great, now justin bieber is gonna sing a song about chile
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
well he has a gf so if he picks me up tonight i'll only him finger me
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
We are not buying weed off a guy from the internet.
and PS, please don't fuck in the corn maze, k?
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
She asked what a chaser is. I died a little inside, please come back..
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
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