I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
We tried to play doctor all sexually then he was taking down my 'symptoms' I said I needed to puke he thought it was part of the game
Don't EVER smell your tampon
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
So his "youporn" cam totally caught me stealing quesadilla leftovers.
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
I just found a video of you asking to be a whale with me.
Go forth Daniel, drink, be merry... And meet some hot Asians for your friends to bang
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
Randomize
