Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
Sex tip #67: Jizz in the eye is very near the equivalent to pepper spray. Not recommended for pleasure enhancement.
I am growing concerned with the number of people here in cowboy hats
Did we both pass out talking about cake last night?
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
I think I have vodka in my lungs
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
I'm currently trying to decide if crown or wild turkey will hurt worse coming back out through my nose later.
Found my underwear in a solo cup. That about sums up this weekend.
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
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