john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
its my first week of college and i have a UTI
not easy being a whore now is it
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
hi sober isdnt real. this is a mass rtoomate taext i thing. bye
AMAZING.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
I just jacked off to nostalgia.
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
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