The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
this is a time for prayers...seriously
let us hold hands and pray.. sweet baby jesus please bring us some sweet sweet man loving this homecoming weekend to aid our lonely vaginas it has been a long couple of weeks amen.
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
God my Facebook chat is a graveyard of old blowjobz
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
All I remember from the concert was leaving in an RV full of middle aged people playing circle of death
Kellie accidentally ran into the car with two teenagers making out. made a big thud. there was a loud scream and she was gone...haven't seen her since
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
You ever stub your boner? It happened to me. Just know that drugs and strip poker and a hot tub. I'll Regale you with the story over drinks later.
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
Randomize
