I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
You seemed more interested in the queso dip than you were in the hand job
She had another shot and asked if I wanted to taste her tongue ring. Then I helped her pee.
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
Got my parents to pick me up from the party, take me to the bar and buy all my drinks, then drop me off at my booty calls house.
You pretty much lost your mind. Your ego has gotten ten time the size of your balls.
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
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