Uhhh...do I owe you any money? Or an apology? Or anything?
Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
the bulge in his pants is not junk. its hair. trust.
She laid down on my bed and played "I want you to want me" on my laptop. subtle.
I decided that just having that story under my belt and being able to tell it to my grandchildren is worth the regrets of the evening.
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
Randomize
