Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
Your dad touched me again.
Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
I am in fact going to raffle myself off for a night. If you are interested in buying a ticket let me know. $10 a ticket.
Saw a guy throw up on himself while walking, drinking, and singing all at the same time. Hope your night is going better than his :)
Shots. Renamed a guy (he looked like a Scott to me), running, bloody Marys, walk to Safeway, donuts, ride home from someones husband, Nurse Jackie. FIN.
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
I’ll always remember that day you sent me that random nude on accident lmao changed my life
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