I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
I was so high I couldnt even listen to music i was terrified of the potential knowledge i would gain.
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
apparently i was cut off before i even walked in
The only way I could get him to agree to hook up with her is telling him I'd hook up with him next week.
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
Not at all! I'll let your potential employer know you have a huge dick
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
he invited me over. we listened to jazz, smoked weed, then cerebrally fucked each other over a three hour game of chess
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