you announced to the whole room that instead of shaving you were planning to start straightening and then braiding your pubes. awkward silence followed by everyone leaving.
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
found out this morning via facebook that the guy i met last night has a wife and a baby and he took me to his apartment where he takes girls to cheat on his wife
i mean you met him at the daytona 500
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
I was told that I need a reference for my blow job skills. Be expecting a phone call tomorrow.
It was kind of like hidden Mickey ears, but with dicks.
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
Randomize
