did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
You held your own hair and threw up into a red cup...I think they were more amazed than upset.
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
no normal human would even think about making waldo slutty but you
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
There was a bottle of vodka and chips in a vase next to the bed
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
Does it qualify as sexting if you're both pretending to be fictional characters?
I'm not sure whether to be proud of you or weirded out.
We accept all of your sexual lovers, Jewish, episcopalian, atheist. Dick is dick
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
We decorated the tree, drank wine, and he went down on me with Christmas music on in the background. Christmas IS coming.
Randomize
