Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
I am a terrible person. This is almost as bad as when I was going to see my ex while my boyfriend was at that funeral.
Fuck morning classes and our weekday drinking habits.
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
They sat me on college avenue with a puke bucket and people were mistakenly throwing change in it. Got me enough money take a cab back to my apartment.
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
Do you want me to add this to the list of actions I will state at your intervention
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
Randomize
