Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
i kinda regret how quickly i gave it up to him, but i just wanted the regular fucking to begin soon. ah we made good memories.
you think she would figure it out that ever dude that fucks her is just doing it bc they are in a contest to bang the fattest girl
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
Unless your apology includes a 20 something with loose morals and a daddy complex, I'm am not interested
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