I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
yeah you're probably right.. i should stop equating love with getting naked on a webcam for him.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm questioning the dried chocolate syrup on my tits.
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
woke up with the dennys waiters MYSPACE link on the back of my receipt...yep one of those nights
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
i cant believe im seriously wearing his ex girlfriends underwear right now
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
Lol. I get my husbands paycheck every week. Immediate deposit into my purse next to his balls.
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
just called AAA to get my keys out of me car and then afterwards realized they were in my pocket...stoner life
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
Randomize