My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that.
Before I dignify that with an answer, let me get this straight. You're asking me if I wiped my ass on the towels?
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
Just pissed by glowstick light. Bad idea.
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
There are panties and mini bottles of Fireball in my purse. Except for the broken toe incident, I'd say last night was probably a success.
The drug dealer had chickens in his house so I know it was good stuff.
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
I also have bagel bites. I know that's not as big an incentive as the cocksucking but.....
Randomize
